Dedicated to my friends who remain, despite the miles between us. I’m so grateful to you.
Saying goodbye
‘It’s only a 4-hour flight away.’ I sobbed. I could just about see through my flood of tears. My friend’s blonde hair against the form of my 2-year old’s head as they embraced. My toddler’s chubby arms wrapped around the neck of his God-Mother and my best friend.
Saying goodbye.
My lounge was bare except for a few cushions on the floor, and a stack of suitcases standing by the door.
It was the day before I was to move halfway across the world, from the UK to Turkey. I was 31 years old and my young family and I were leaving our university city to start a new adventure in Istanbul.
I had a large crowd of friends I knew from university and then a closer group of girls from uni who had become like my sisters.
I had my village, or so it felt. I knew I was loved, I had friends who were there for me no matter what, who knew me inside and out, and who I knew appreciated my friendship too.
That day sat in my bare house saying goodbye to my friend, I felt like my heart was breaking.
I nearly didn’t make it onto the plane the next day, I didn’t know if I could do it — was I strong enough to say goodbye to my best friends? Was I making the biggest mistake of my life?
5 Years Later
I did get on the plane the next day and 5 years later as I reflect, it turns out that your friendships can withstand the transitions that life brings.
Did I do something hard? Yes. Did I throw away my friendships for choosing to live my adventure? No.
It Was Hard
The first year living abroad was a delicate balance. On one hand, deep in homesickness and culture shock I missed my old friends deeply and spent most of the day chatting to them on my phone.
On the other hand, to settle into my new home and give myself a chance at happiness, I knew at some point I would need to cut down on all the calls to the UK and focus on making friends where I lived.
My son’s God-Mother ended up coming to visit us 6 weeks after we moved. This could have gone either way — made me come undone when she left to go back to the UK or give me the pick-me-up and encouragement I needed to keep going.
It ended up doing the latter. When she left I felt replenished and encouraged to continue to try and adjust to my new life in Turkey and make local friends.
Life inevitably involves transition which affects our friendships
For example, getting married or having a child.
The arrival of a baby or acquisition of a spouse changes the center of someone’s world completely.
Both of these life transitions present a shift in identity, priorities, and a dramatic lifestyle change.
When you started dating someone, you might find it challenging to shift your time and attention from your friends to invest in your new relationship.
When you have a baby it may felt like you fall off the face of the earth for a while. You won’t be as available as you used to be now your little human has arrived.
Other transitions that affect friendships could include divorce, illness. career changes, the loss of a loved one, or moving city- any change that brings a challenge to a friendship.
Here are 8 things I learned that help keep friendships strong through the challenges of life transitions
1. You can’t stay close to everyone
You can’t remain close friends with every single friend that you make in life. It’s neither possible nor sustainable. During a life transition, it’s normal for some friendships to fizzle out. Ask yourself which friendships are most important to you and focus on preserving and strengthening those.
2. Your friends still love you
When I moved abroad I had an insecurity that my friends would forget about me straight away or even replace me with new friends.
Just remember that your friend’s lives are not going to stop without you (nor should they) while you’re in your transition.
They’ll go on and live their lives. This doesn’t mean that just because you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind. Just like you think of them most days they’ll be thinking of you too.
3. It will be a bit chaotic for a while
Learn to be OK with things being a little messy. Learn not to feel insecure when you see a picture of them with other friends on your Instagram feed.
The communication between you might be sporadic.
You might go for weeks without hearing from each other but this doesn’t mean you love each other any less. Cultivate a new style of friendship so that when you do pick up the phone you can talk just as if no time has passed at all.
4. Tell them what their friendship means to you
Life is so short and precious — tell your friends you love them! Tell them what you appreciate about them. Send them little gifs when you see something that reminds you of them. Go the extra mile sometimes.
5. Commit to each other
Along with this… tell your friends you’re committed to your friendship. Tell them that even though things are going to change you’re willing to put the effort in to keep your friendship strong. Ask them if they are too.
6. Talk about expectations
In the run-up to a big life change if possible sit down together and share your expectations about your friendship going forward.
If, for example, you’ve just accepted a big promotion at work maybe you need to explain that you won’t be able to hang out on a weekday evening for a while.
If like I did for example, you’re going to move abroad and you expect your friends to be using every bit of their annual leave and disposable income to come and visit you, by all means, share that, but let your friend reply honestly with what they thinks they might manage. This prevents disappointments and misunderstandings later on.
7. You’ll have to make sacrifices
When you’re talking with your friend about expectations this might include talking about how often you expect to talk. Due to the time difference between Turkey and the UK, to FaceTime with my sister-in-law, I have to stay up until 9/10 pm to talk to her. This is my normal bedtime. However, another friend of mine often wakes up at 6 am UK time to make time to talk to me.
You make sacrifices because investing in your friendship is worth it.
8. Both of you will make new friends
And that’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean you mean any less to one another.
The truth is both of you will make new friends- I dıd. I made new Turkish friends and my friends in the UK went on to make new friends after I left.
The difference is that our friendship has a history. The more years behind a friendship there are, the more valuable it is.
There are three things that grow more precious with age; old wood to burn, old books to read, and old friends to enjoy. (Henry Ford)
Final thoughts
Transitions are a normal part of life that we all face. They do affect friendships. It can be extremely helpful to be aware of that before the transition occurs.
I knew before I undertook the huge transition of moving from the UK to Turkey, that it would affect my friendships.
When change comes we cannot expect all of our friendships to stay the same forever. Relationships change and evolve.
However, it is entirely possible to preserve and even strengthen friendships with a few close friends during life transitions. You both need to be prepared to put the work in. Communication and honesty are key for this.
Good friendships are worth their weight in gold and so you need to give them time and energy during a life transition.
I don’t have the hundreds of mates I had in my twenties. I have a handful of close friends around the world that I’ve known for 15 years or more.
I know that these women will be there for me no matter what. Instead of making us drift apart, my move to Turkey has made us even closer because it forced us to be intentional with our friendship.
Adapting to change
We set aside time and energy to invest in our friendship long-distance and I truly couldn’t be living in Turkey without their support.
Is it the same as before? No. Do I miss seeing these friends as much as I used to? Desperately.
However, I don’t regret my decision to move to Turkey.
I consider myself strong for doing something hard, and lucky to be able to have lived my dream and keep my best friends.
If you have a big life transition coming up make sure you put in the effort to preserve your friendships — it’s worth it.
Isabella has lived in a major city the Middle East with her husband and 3 children for 8 years. She’s a churchplanter, copywriter and is stubbornly persevering to see a movement of multiplying disciples across the nation!
